today was warm and fuzzzy...like liquid chocolate...like sunshine says...sorry,had to borrow the phrase...when i was all angry and huffing and puffing he simply held my hand and said he'd go home with me...that's when i thought,i was home already...we had coffee and chocolate...talked about oil massages[still dying of curiosity]...when did i get so involved?but no,question is,why didn't i get involved earlier?what have i been fucking around all these years for?nothing.zilch.but it's all good.i could write a story.a happy,chirpy,stupidly silly romance about a 4-year-old man-child and the lady.the beautiful girl...who became beautiful when he looked at her.do you have a matchbox?yes,for my sake,he did.and that's what mattered.i am smiling all the time now.but that's because i am a mirror.and so is he.
mistakes happen.we are all human.that's what u told me sunshine.forgive me.i analysed wrongly.i had no right.now i feel so low.like a creepy-crawly.fuck fuck fuck.i'm sorry.
i had vowed i'd never be hungry again.but i can't help it.i have an insatiable craving for food.sheepish grin.we shall have gulab jamuns tomorrow.promise.

to my girl...my sunayani

times do change.
i wake.do regularities.
but i look back.
make no mistake,
i look back everyday.
the daily phone call.
the dates.with others and each other.
she's my girl.my own.my home.
and i'm homeless now.
so is she.
we are two peas.
but outside our pod.
lost in a huge bowl with a million other peas.
trying to find each other in the frightening reality of mimesis.
remembering is painful.
but it's also survival.
don't cry baby.
i'm there.
you're there.
and we will always be.

tomorrow's minutes away.
today will soon be yesterday.
why do i seem to forget today's todayness?
todayness has melted into yesterday.
it's a blur of colour rushing on in a psychedelic blaze.
but why can i no longer distinguish the colours?
doesn't matter.
there's colour.
that's what matters.
tomorrow's minutes away.

First Love

I saw an angel
I thought it was you.

Blindly I grope through the darkness in my thoughts
Tryiny hard to remember your face,
As it keeps slipping from me.

I don't remember how you look.
But I can still smell you,
Feel your hands
Running through my hair,
Running down my body,
Slipping in, And spilling out-
Like liquid love?
No. Like liquid heat.
Because you didn't love, You never tried.

I don't remember how you look,
Your face keeps slipping from me.
Unsure fingers, touching hesitantly;
Suddenly bonding, and
Rushing frantically
Towards an unended ending.
Completed when you returned
For the last time,
And left me incomplete forever.
Oh yes, you remember,
I've seen it in your eyes.
But your memories are bittersweet
Clouded with shame and disgust.

I don't remember how you look.
The memories are dusty, uncared for
And untouched.
I haven't taken them out in the longest while.
I have loved again. Indeed,
More fulfillingly than I have ever loved before.
A Secret meeting, a secret pact,
A secret glance, who was to know.
A walk down neverness later.
And we knew.
Accidents happen. Blessed are those.

Yes, "Here's to everything in general,
And nothing in particular", Tomjohn.

"You may play the Jack of diamonds",
But,
I don't remember how you look.


I see an angel.
I know it is you,
We have much to do.
So "come, let us our rites begin."