my reality.

life's come a full circle.we all have to pay the price.i have already paid.a year and a circle.crying aloud.noone to hear.what's the story,morning glory?that's it.there's no story.only eyeopeners.stories are for children,for dreamers,for lovers.reality is for the rest of us.this time last year i was tingling with excitement.anticipation.promise.this year i'm numb with pain.disappointment.reality.

it takes ages to build dreams.you build them so carefully.labouriously.with blood,sweat,hope.and it takes only an instant for them to be shattered.that too,by the one around whom you built the silly dreams in the first place.ironical,twisted.that's reality.

i see the earth moving swiftly from beneath my feet.i'm falling.but there's nowhere to land.nowhere to break my fall.falling into nothingness.failing to stop.or start.

when you wake up from a dream the first thing you feel is hurt.hurt at how amazingly naive you can be in your subconscious.how you can imagine and hope for non-existent dimensions and realities.we actually convince ourselves that the dream we are having is in fact reality.then you wake up in shock.the kind of shock you get when you lower your foot expecting another step and it bangs onto the ground.you're never entirely prepared for the jerk,are you?

i have been asleep.i'm only just waking up.

accidents shatter.they take everything away.this one will leave me wounded for life.or lives.

you didn't know.her beauty was your creation.her eyes flashed with your love.her peace was the glow of your sunshine.

depression

the winter's just gotten so beautiful.i don't remember having felt a colder winter in kolkata.pardon the borrowed beginning.i haven't blogged for a long while.no internet.pissh.the winter's too pretty to let go without commenting on this time!!one day i stepped out of my house to go about my daily business of doing nothing.but then i thought what am i doing nothing for?what is the use,the purpose?every passing moment the looks of anxiety and disappointment on my parents' faces seem to intensify.do i even know what i want?everyone around me has a plan.bustles with energy.i feel shameful.like i am guilty of a terrible terrible sin.and there's no way i can talk myself out of this one.can i?

nothing seems to change.all people are the same.they just wear different-looking masks and talk in different dialects of sugar-coated promises-meant-to-be-broken.i have met so many such non-lookalike clones.i don't want to any more.

parents.the only people in this world who can be expected to love for all that you are,are not and will never be.i am digressing.but hope springs when i think of them.i owe them.and probably no one else.would like to.but don't really need to.not anymore.

i don't mean to sound so disappointed.but i guess i am.i expected more.as usual.

today was warm and fuzzzy...like liquid chocolate...like sunshine says...sorry,had to borrow the phrase...when i was all angry and huffing and puffing he simply held my hand and said he'd go home with me...that's when i thought,i was home already...we had coffee and chocolate...talked about oil massages[still dying of curiosity]...when did i get so involved?but no,question is,why didn't i get involved earlier?what have i been fucking around all these years for?nothing.zilch.but it's all good.i could write a story.a happy,chirpy,stupidly silly romance about a 4-year-old man-child and the lady.the beautiful girl...who became beautiful when he looked at her.do you have a matchbox?yes,for my sake,he did.and that's what mattered.i am smiling all the time now.but that's because i am a mirror.and so is he.
mistakes happen.we are all human.that's what u told me sunshine.forgive me.i analysed wrongly.i had no right.now i feel so low.like a creepy-crawly.fuck fuck fuck.i'm sorry.
i had vowed i'd never be hungry again.but i can't help it.i have an insatiable craving for food.sheepish grin.we shall have gulab jamuns tomorrow.promise.

to my girl...my sunayani

times do change.
i wake.do regularities.
but i look back.
make no mistake,
i look back everyday.
the daily phone call.
the dates.with others and each other.
she's my girl.my own.my home.
and i'm homeless now.
so is she.
we are two peas.
but outside our pod.
lost in a huge bowl with a million other peas.
trying to find each other in the frightening reality of mimesis.
remembering is painful.
but it's also survival.
don't cry baby.
i'm there.
you're there.
and we will always be.

tomorrow's minutes away.
today will soon be yesterday.
why do i seem to forget today's todayness?
todayness has melted into yesterday.
it's a blur of colour rushing on in a psychedelic blaze.
but why can i no longer distinguish the colours?
doesn't matter.
there's colour.
that's what matters.
tomorrow's minutes away.

First Love

I saw an angel
I thought it was you.

Blindly I grope through the darkness in my thoughts
Tryiny hard to remember your face,
As it keeps slipping from me.

I don't remember how you look.
But I can still smell you,
Feel your hands
Running through my hair,
Running down my body,
Slipping in, And spilling out-
Like liquid love?
No. Like liquid heat.
Because you didn't love, You never tried.

I don't remember how you look,
Your face keeps slipping from me.
Unsure fingers, touching hesitantly;
Suddenly bonding, and
Rushing frantically
Towards an unended ending.
Completed when you returned
For the last time,
And left me incomplete forever.
Oh yes, you remember,
I've seen it in your eyes.
But your memories are bittersweet
Clouded with shame and disgust.

I don't remember how you look.
The memories are dusty, uncared for
And untouched.
I haven't taken them out in the longest while.
I have loved again. Indeed,
More fulfillingly than I have ever loved before.
A Secret meeting, a secret pact,
A secret glance, who was to know.
A walk down neverness later.
And we knew.
Accidents happen. Blessed are those.

Yes, "Here's to everything in general,
And nothing in particular", Tomjohn.

"You may play the Jack of diamonds",
But,
I don't remember how you look.


I see an angel.
I know it is you,
We have much to do.
So "come, let us our rites begin."