some perfect day.

some perfect life.

the day has gone.

but the life remains.

and strangely, so does the perfection.

A droplet of water sits on my window sill. Tiny yellow bits of light float in it. Like they are dancing to a slow trance. It is beautiful. Like a slice from a pear-shaped raindrop. It is clear and unpolluted still. It holds a galaxy of dreams. A lifetime of luxurious fantasies. I don't touch it. Don't want the possibilities to become a part of me.
Is it worth living when you can no longer distinguish between sleeping and waking?
but.
Is it worth dying either?
The droplet is now becoming clouded. Tiny white sediments are forming in it. They form a little cluster of doubt at its base, trying to rob it of its innocence. They want to introduce doubt and angst in it. They want to make it a teardrop.
I look away. Don't want to see the beauty get mangled, raped, killed.
But I need to know of its fate. So I look again.
But it's gone! Now there remains a wet patch. Like a memory. It has left me its best. And taken its worst with it. It fought.
Now that's life. And the beauty that surrounds it.

my reality.

life's come a full circle.we all have to pay the price.i have already paid.a year and a circle.crying aloud.noone to hear.what's the story,morning glory?that's it.there's no story.only eyeopeners.stories are for children,for dreamers,for lovers.reality is for the rest of us.this time last year i was tingling with excitement.anticipation.promise.this year i'm numb with pain.disappointment.reality.

it takes ages to build dreams.you build them so carefully.labouriously.with blood,sweat,hope.and it takes only an instant for them to be shattered.that too,by the one around whom you built the silly dreams in the first place.ironical,twisted.that's reality.

i see the earth moving swiftly from beneath my feet.i'm falling.but there's nowhere to land.nowhere to break my fall.falling into nothingness.failing to stop.or start.

when you wake up from a dream the first thing you feel is hurt.hurt at how amazingly naive you can be in your subconscious.how you can imagine and hope for non-existent dimensions and realities.we actually convince ourselves that the dream we are having is in fact reality.then you wake up in shock.the kind of shock you get when you lower your foot expecting another step and it bangs onto the ground.you're never entirely prepared for the jerk,are you?

i have been asleep.i'm only just waking up.

accidents shatter.they take everything away.this one will leave me wounded for life.or lives.

you didn't know.her beauty was your creation.her eyes flashed with your love.her peace was the glow of your sunshine.

depression

the winter's just gotten so beautiful.i don't remember having felt a colder winter in kolkata.pardon the borrowed beginning.i haven't blogged for a long while.no internet.pissh.the winter's too pretty to let go without commenting on this time!!one day i stepped out of my house to go about my daily business of doing nothing.but then i thought what am i doing nothing for?what is the use,the purpose?every passing moment the looks of anxiety and disappointment on my parents' faces seem to intensify.do i even know what i want?everyone around me has a plan.bustles with energy.i feel shameful.like i am guilty of a terrible terrible sin.and there's no way i can talk myself out of this one.can i?

nothing seems to change.all people are the same.they just wear different-looking masks and talk in different dialects of sugar-coated promises-meant-to-be-broken.i have met so many such non-lookalike clones.i don't want to any more.

parents.the only people in this world who can be expected to love for all that you are,are not and will never be.i am digressing.but hope springs when i think of them.i owe them.and probably no one else.would like to.but don't really need to.not anymore.

i don't mean to sound so disappointed.but i guess i am.i expected more.as usual.

today was warm and fuzzzy...like liquid chocolate...like sunshine says...sorry,had to borrow the phrase...when i was all angry and huffing and puffing he simply held my hand and said he'd go home with me...that's when i thought,i was home already...we had coffee and chocolate...talked about oil massages[still dying of curiosity]...when did i get so involved?but no,question is,why didn't i get involved earlier?what have i been fucking around all these years for?nothing.zilch.but it's all good.i could write a story.a happy,chirpy,stupidly silly romance about a 4-year-old man-child and the lady.the beautiful girl...who became beautiful when he looked at her.do you have a matchbox?yes,for my sake,he did.and that's what mattered.i am smiling all the time now.but that's because i am a mirror.and so is he.
mistakes happen.we are all human.that's what u told me sunshine.forgive me.i analysed wrongly.i had no right.now i feel so low.like a creepy-crawly.fuck fuck fuck.i'm sorry.
i had vowed i'd never be hungry again.but i can't help it.i have an insatiable craving for food.sheepish grin.we shall have gulab jamuns tomorrow.promise.

to my girl...my sunayani

times do change.
i wake.do regularities.
but i look back.
make no mistake,
i look back everyday.
the daily phone call.
the dates.with others and each other.
she's my girl.my own.my home.
and i'm homeless now.
so is she.
we are two peas.
but outside our pod.
lost in a huge bowl with a million other peas.
trying to find each other in the frightening reality of mimesis.
remembering is painful.
but it's also survival.
don't cry baby.
i'm there.
you're there.
and we will always be.

tomorrow's minutes away.
today will soon be yesterday.
why do i seem to forget today's todayness?
todayness has melted into yesterday.
it's a blur of colour rushing on in a psychedelic blaze.
but why can i no longer distinguish the colours?
doesn't matter.
there's colour.
that's what matters.
tomorrow's minutes away.